*•.¸,¤°´'`°¤,¸.•*´ HAPPY NEW YEAR ¯`*•.¸,¤°´'`°¤,¸.•*´¯

may we ALL have a much better year

here's a card i'd like to share:

"Clockwork Celebration"

*•.¸,¤°´'`°¤,¸.•*´ HAPPY NEW YEAR ¯`*•.¸,¤°´'`°¤,¸.•*´¯

catch-up

well been digging and getting more stuff out, listed on local Bookoo, and etsy, pinterest, giving tons away as i can get together, and trying to function best i can while i can.

Costing me a lot for help and repairs still happing, well i have only bout 2 yrs and state takes home for back taxes, and if lender wants to take it? beats me, i'm coin best i can while i can and then thats it, its over.

trying to get things to good homes, fix what i'm able to afford, now have to get another cord wood at almost 350! unreal... and great got notice get raise 1st, $ 11 big bucks... (cost of living my @ss)

shaken head.

won't even buy dinner some places.
oh well just wishing ALL HNY and hoping for better "TIMES" for us all

Visit my Etsy shop and help me out... i'm in dire need of firewood and roof repairs, amongst other stuff, and that $11 buck raise not gonna cut it... lolwel been coin some better health wise but like always it seems to all come to a halt and down i go over n over again...

Pac Rats TREASURES 'n Jewels

all i can do

"Cold day in hell...."

long ago before puters were so popular, and i was such outdoors type gal, i used to say:

“It will be a cold day n hell when i set behind a computer all day….”

Gos has a sence of humor.

Hell got MANY a cold days on me… now tables has turned 

and I believe hell is also here on earth, and its freezing cold all over the place now so  all us who’ve said similar, 

the words came back to FROST BITE us in the butts! LOL

“Cold day in hell is right”>>>> BRRRRRR

Life 'n things gotten...

I’ve pretty much gotten all I’ve ever wanted in life,

yet never got what I’ve really needed…."

HAPPY TURKEY DAY...

• 
• SALE! https://www.etsy.com/shop/dagutzyone?ref=si_shop … 
• all THANKSGIVING DAY! 25% off ALL items

Have MERCY Lord....

Can't hang on thru much more of this crap! With roof leaking, no heat except by wood, now hot water heaters goin out, and fridge is next, washers need replaced for drips around and in just over 2 yrs loose place to state for back taxes.. and you all want me to HANG IN HERE???? shaken head.
sucks that hospice won't help w/right to die w/dignity act. On my own i see so who heck knows, just a matter of time. there is no life here and getting worse by days, not to mention healths worse...

HAVE MERCY Father take me home!

Bucket list wish...

Wish I had time on Ancestry..

why i don't know, just like to view more about the family left unknown, by an unwanted child who ran away way too young.

oh well.... don't really matter now

http://trees.ancestry.com/tree/58789110/family

deleting Facebook....

bout where i am in real life!

Lord deal me the "ESCAPE" card...

Well it's said YOU never put more on anyone than they can handle... well i've been thru so much crap in life i'm bout at my wits end.

bounce back every time with YOUR help, but things looking pretty bad still, everything wearing out around me and really getting bad to deal with, little on function, now with the water heater join out, along with the roof leaks, the ruins n junk and facing loosen for back taxes soon, its really taken it's toll on me. 

haven't felt well all week due to infected gums, which i have no coverage for, and my healths so weak that i really could stand to get delt the "ESCAPE" card.

no life here to be pleased about, and not useful or needed and takin up space. I'm tired, worn out from such awful battles in life i need to "escape" but hope its for the final round.

HAVE MERCY FATHER GOD

Life's update

well haven't done well lately, nothing new, gums still infected bad, but started some antibiotics today, so we see.

Doin ok with no help, the Lord sent me a nice lady friend and we eat n shop when needed, so big help. been ruff lately having to get all ready for winter, plants inside, stuff protected, cord of wood bought, took forever as was shorted, finally got most, + have to pay someone to saw scrap to keep logs going, then i lend the guy money and he's never returned, few notes says will show and never does, so tired all this

then have to go get proof from social security so i can go to social services and get the firewood form filed out, always a mess. days not well i stay in bed.

then sales been slow and so much join bad and money goin out and so little co in in, THEN damn printer goes out, so have to buy a printer now is a must. Hurts i have to downgrade now due to funds, but really i haven't done pics and sharing in a long time, too much other crap to deal with.

more than i can handle at times, so i sleep a lot, play pogo games so i won't think, and play with my babies. haven't crafted in ages and just don't feel well most days.

sad Hospice wouldn't help me, now i'm on my own to ride it all out with loosing the home over my head all time. no way to live life for a healthy person, little on one who's in pieces such as I.

Well see what happens.. feel a shut down comin on soon as i get all ready for winter and to be warm, best i can do for now….

stay tuned in this awful saga called survival of the fittest i suppose. hate it

Shutdown...

Shutdown…

Posted on October 12, 2013by dagutzyone

i did today bout same as the government. Not open for business or dealing with life and all the problems.

after a week of not hearing from the wood guy i paid for a full cord, he said he don’t rip anyone off! YET, thats all, and there still no more wood delivered to make up the ¼ i’m shorted. and i’ve boughten from him 4 times now in past, shaken head.

got in a cpl large cactus before freezes, almost done, just spaced out and played pogo games today.

Bout all i can deal with at present. been in this survival mode so long it has totally ruined me for any pleasures in life now so seems. oh well, hope its not a lot longer…

another door did open and turning out i’m basically worthless at life now.

a shift is coming….

Joel Osteen's message

A Shift is Coming

All it takes is one shift of God’s favor to bring your life to a whole new level. In this message, Joel Osteen reminds you that the greatest force in the universe is breathing your way—it’s the favor of Almighty God. God can cause the winds of favor to blow opportunity, healing and breakthroughs into your life. Suddenly, one touch from Him can shift you from sickness to health, lack to abundance, struggle to ease. Doors that did not open before will suddenly open. What should have taken years, with God’s touch, can happen in a fraction of the time. God has unlimited ways to turn any situation around! All we have to do is believe

Answer this...

God says HE will never put on us more than we can handle…

 so explain suicide….

should be our choice...

Dying without suffering is an intelligent and compassionate option

In The Arms Of an Angel - Sarah McLaughlin

Even "IF"….

even IF

the house was secured

cleaned, n inorder

roof didn't leak…

even IF

I had a vehicle

or had heat not wood…

even if

dogs had shots/tags n whatever 

Stuff I now suffer from wouldn't change

sick for yrs, teeth, gums infected (no coverage)

chronic migraines

psorisas

all the arthritis

bad back

bad eyes (no coverage)

lost ¾ my hair…

sick so much 

and all the rest.  people do not wanna be around people like me

way too many problems for the avg person to even comprehend, little on deal with.

nothing to look fwd to

i've been "occupying" for so many years now, life has finally taken its tole.

I've outlived life so seems.

I don't wanna be kept alive

I don't wanna have to depend on others to merely survive!

We need to have the right to say enough is enough and be able to leave 

BEFORE we become a vegetable, and burden on others or to even the state.

I REFUSE.

Outlived life...When it gets to the point...

you have to rely on others to keep you alive,
it's time to go…
thats WHY i need Hospice!

I've outlived life, all worn out...

no quality of left here now...

not only the Hep…….

lump on right lung

Hep C

Psorisas

Psoriatic arthritis

Osteoarthritis

Rheumatoid arthritis

chronic migraines

OCD

Post traumatic Stress

ADD 

+Other problems:

Bad teeth n infected gums

bad eyes

i've outlasted the home, been here 30 yrs.

NO transportation….

The only things delivered locally in this town is PIZZA! 

(n Walmart, but no fresh/frozen food)

like produce, eggs, bread, milk, meat, sodas….

ordered pkg, n dry food and dogs food online and Cigs.. the rest have to learn to live w/o.

no one even answered a local ad placed, askin to take me shopping or to shop for me.

thought that would be easy to find. 

Plea to Hospice...

i'm up in high desert, and i'm very ill at times with Hep C mainly along with a ton of other problems I also suffer from.
few yrs back i'd contacted local Hospice reguarding this, well i wasn't bed-ridden full time and after physicals I was directed to IHSS here.
Well i've tried it past few years and its just not working out for what i need. Seems I can't be i'll only on scheduled days. dont work that way.

there has been no quality of life here changing for the better only for the worse, so now in a bind. stranded, left alone to decide what needs to be done.
i'm not gettin i'll a lot more as the attacks increase along with all the other problems. Have been reading about the VDD and would like more to talk to someone.
I'm all alone, no kids, no family, nobody else around, many have passed, few left and now i'm in a spot. Being so stranded I will starve to death at this point.

Ive been preparing for the end for years and everytime something came along, well not happening this time. I will NOT go into a home and be a burdon to anyone. I was raised by a grandma who had that strong survival pioneering spirit and there fore survival I know. now WHY? to continue to get worse, become so alone nobody will even know when i pass. Friend in Texas is bout all i have left, my life is all online past 6-10 yrs, thats it.

I have a lot of other stuff wrong and i refuse to become a vegitable or kept alive. i'm 67 and have been on my own since 14yrs old. so i have lived life to the fullest n then some.
I have become worthless in the last few years esp. lots down times more than before. They fig i'm bout 35-38 yrs into it and I've read the liver usually gives out in 30-32? anyways along with loosing all my hair, teeth, weight all while dealing with terriffic migraines and psorisas I feel this would be a good options for me. The world can have its space back, and i wont have to rely on the system caring for me. which i refuse.

I've had this feelin for years now and have documented it many times in past 7-10 at least and tried dif things, none to even work. I refused treatments as I', alone and feel that needs to be for someone who has a life, family n or loved ones. I'm only takin up space and making a lot miserable by my attitude.
I just want it to be over, Been in my home for 30 yrs this year and that also i've lost 3 times and fought to get back everytime and did. now i'm worn out, life has been to heard struggle upon struggle and i'm broken into so many pieces i've become worthless. I am/was an artisian and a martha stewart far as talents, but when lifes so hard i can't even be creative, time to hang it up. There is no fight left.

This is no spur of the moment thing, this decession has been comin a lot of years and i'm very logical lookin ahead.
my life has ben online and many know n see what i'm saying. Many say they've never met anyone with so many problems, so i've worn out my welcome and I feel like an alien who isn't spose to be here. found it takes a hell of a lot more courage to live as i have than to give in and OD. I feel i have the right to Die with Dignity! I tried linin it up few yrs ago as i said but this just isn't working.

I'm good food wise and pet wise for week or 2 but i sure dont wanna just starve n become a statistic. I'm also so tired of everyone takin advange of me n my present condition.
now far as drs, have a problem there also, they dont like me because i refuse treatments, n meds, yrs back i was on 12=15 meds and was almost a zombie, well i had a chance to go on a vacation of a lifetime in '06 and they had messed up my scripts so i got mad, weened off almost all and from that time foward i refuse to take any more than a migraine pill and a pain pill tho i have a lot wrong but want my head clear as i have to function for me esp now. my teeth infected, no coverage and dr wouldn't even give me antibiotics, because i wont talk all his other crap he pushes.

old country gal here and have survived life, no bucket list, I've lived life to the fullest and i'm sooooo ready to complete this trip asap.

I have posting online along with pics and different life stuff, this isn't workin anymore.

HELP me please. this is well thought out and i see no other way. There is no life, just a matter of time now.
would appreciate someone gettin back to me, I hate talkin on phone, I communicate thru emails mostly.

thnx, ask any questions, i can seen info?
Hope the end of this all happens soon for everyones sake….

I made my mark….

few years back i was in one of the attacks and was very ill as many may remember, well called hospice and was sent to IHSS, ok gave it a try and never worked out, found out today, i can't be ill n bedridden on a schedule. so beats me.

nothing new, no bucket list, lived a full life and dont wanna be in any home, that would devastate me alone.

it's not only dealing with the HepC its the crippling arthritis, have them all
and migraines n psorisas on top of it.
so just being able to shop n eat will never fix the problem. Will always have the good days along with the bad, as a guy i knew from old days, walked into bar till day he died of Hep C … no bloat either, so i don't believe the quacks I've seen.
Lived life way to full to go like that. I deserve peace.
I'm so broken in pieces, there is no healing this time, or bouncing back, I've lost a few "friends" along this path, can't deal with truths and real life, so only support systems been online for years!

Hospice has the "Right to die with Dignity act" and from all I've read this would be the best way for all concerned.

no life here just surviving, and don't wanna burdon any one. grannies pioneer spirit lives on, survival i know well… had the worst along with the best…. i'm done, been done for years but something came along and I tried many times, just not gonna work.

I do miss fresh food but oh well.

my road of survival just fell in a sinkhole….

My road of survival, just sprung a sinkhole….

well once again, my road of survival has encountered another sink hole. This time worse than ever before, and bout as deep as they come.

Set myself up once again, and got taken advantage of… difference is this time is the end! No one lined up to help. Totally stranded except to pull a stranger off the "system" and I can't handle even having to interview, as i have a bad time with strangers from a bad past problem, when i became a victim of a violent crime, all from a stranger at a yard sale i had. Now i can't even hold a yard sale, run any ads where someone has to come to my home. Just a mess. and now to be ill and loose all help, I worry bout life now.

Maybe my prayers are comin to pass but i didn't ask to suffer more or go out alone…
I have found can order some stuff online but no fresh food, and my tortoise needs lettuce n stuff.. dogs have plenty if i run out they eat my food, when we all run out gues thats it.
Thats not my concern right now, bothers me as to how is all this gonna go down? everythings so outta whack, never in a million years i'd thought anything ever like this would happen, but it has. I'm responsible! in this case i just wanted WORK/HELP for the hrs being paid for… never happened… so after 9 months and an attitude from the person, just had to confront her. didn't work she QUIT!

now all alone, ordering online and wondering whats next, not well and so much bed time lately …all  is weighing so heavy. Tried so many times to set everything up and always fell apart, so here I am. everythings a mess, not one part isn't messed up and i'm tired, worn out. no battle power left. now all the medi-cal changing and i havent a clue… totally stump'd…also discovered that the fact i don't wanna face is "I can't do it no more."…

thats why every things a mess.. i tried, bit I CAN'T and "can't " never could, my own words… a dose of reality

don't even know what to say anymore.

Human contact

no human contact, is like a plant choakin to death… 

needin nutriments to even try to grow

even wilted… 

needing water for the time. 

I'm now that plant

Went to town looking like this… BAD

gotta get this out n posted to my journal…of life

I shut down years back….

Couldn't deal with life and i went into seclusion, isolated myself away, for past 5 + yrs
It was great didn't have to deal with much and was ill on top of it.

then about 4 yrs ago truck took a dump so i went deeper inside, shut out all, once in awhile a friend would come by take me to mkt. Learn once again how to merely survive. Been a long hard road and now i'm so lookin fwd to goin HOME soon.

yesterday I went to mkt like this! was embarassed as i ran into an old friend i've been out with a few times and havent seen in years.
I sooooo needed to just talk to a live person …only a few mins and got misty eyed , but sure felt good.
i miss that, was always a people person .



now health wise its weird, days are strange and have no-one left…. so working on ancestry again
can't afford the monthly rate so do free. very limited
am learnin thing n its occupying my time cause my money tree on etsy dried up, but i did get to set myself uo so next spree when i can't function due to the hep i can have access to a select few or order what i need.

that was a blessing and some my jewels n treasures went all over the world and found good homes.
Sales so slow and i still have to pay cost to be there
so got depressed n decided id occupy my time with something so i couldn't think bout real life crap,
do my gardening/yard and pets and on net 24/7 but not for social, just connect with friends and as needed for whatever.
its my only contact with the world.

I learned how to order things on line and was better than paying someone to take me.
now i have a helper thru IHSS and get to go shop more, is such a blessing.
BUT i need a person who will allow me to unload n or chat , empty out stuff, or share my stuff……
proably drive a few away cause i just wanna share everything and boy can i type, (bad spelling n typos, but we can make it out).

I'm so ready to go HOME, after 3 times to set everything up and all the failures, so broken no good to anyone now days and taking up space just occupying my time, while living into total survival, and boy did life change.

to be continued

1s time in 30 years here...

today for 1st time since i lived here 30 years never had a wild bird come so close except a pet roadrunner i had 5-6 yrs
that would come in and even eat with my dog right there within a few feet, n would peck on window to let me know,,,

well this scrub jay all has come as close as 3 ft n even posed n got seeds, chatted at me like wanted to talk or tell me something
blew me away

i have to edit the 42 pics n post only 2-4
blew me away talk to him and he'd turn his head
n come coloser each time
and get this he was squeaking, n i went out then he  stoped soon after talkin to him,
i was so excited and takin pics

Fwd: pic of tree (info so far)

Fwd: pic of tree (info so far), a photo by dagutzyone  on Flickr.

Family tree
BEDNORZ, NELSON,Moravits

ANY INFO appreciated if you know any these names.
Thnx

Missing links…. LOOKING for Bros

http://boards.ancestry.com/surnames.edwards/4757/mb.ashx  Subject: Bros? Alan f & Richard F Edwards? adopted 52/53? Surnames: Nunes/Edwards

Lookin’ for Bros..they may have the ADOPTED names: Alan Frederick & Richard Farrow Edwards, records of birth seem to match.. These are my moms 2 sons I’m prayin’ to find, she passed away before I could Locate them THESE are names I found on pics n info BORN: Alan Lee Nunes b:1-11-48 Harbor General Hosp near Long Beach  Ricky Renee Nunes 2-21-49 Harbor Gen Hosp  Birth mom: Anna Marie (Nelson) Nunes from MO. b:7/30/25 d:6/28/89  birth dad: Oliver Wallace “Frenchy” Nunes family around bay area b:2/13/22 d:5/78  around the Long Beach/Santa Monica area…  ***They both were placed in the LA County Social services approx ’52 or ’53. how can I get into adoption records? as I know their names would be different.. so HOW do I find info for such. VERY IMPORTANT as I AM the link with all info on mom & dad. medical history etc.  Please help  God Bless

Matty n Munchkin playing, too cute

Matty n Munchkin playing, too cute a video by dagutzyone  on Flickr.

so glad they get along…
she thinks she has a live play toy hehehehe

succulent starting to bloom

succulent starting to bloom, a photo by dagutzyone  on Flickr.

daisy opens today

daisy opens today, a photo by dagutzyone  on Flickr.

love these flowers

Vintage is soooooo better…...

Now I KNOW why people buy VINTAGE!!!

decided i'd retire my old 60's toaster for a new one that will do muffins… go to local WalMart and come home w/mid price one… thinking neat.
well after using it a few times, i realize WHY people buy n use VINTAGE! takes 2-3 times as long to toast and not near as hot! wOW, may go back to my old one...

A Dogs Last Will & Testament

see more pet related…..

update: whats been offered… or has it?

offering to take me in is kind BUT loosing all my treasures and stuff n home will kill me also, i just wanna be alone in peace now for me final days.

always told you you were covered and would get house… BUT u didn't offer to pay taxes you just stated they need to be paid now, right after i was starting to pay you.

as for space n visits, (name) there is no place to play, no place to be confortable, i dont have ppls in past yrs and bed most of time.

depression dont help.

i just know when ecomoney bounces back you can make out damn well, not even fixing it up just turning it over BUT i want stuff to go to certain people and i'm trying to set it up and all crumbles… nobody can stand my piss n moaning nowdays so i drive em all off.. then had ones who stole from me didn't help…

then go thru more crap with the family across the street was another reason i'm done.

given up almost (name).

as i said the FACTS are it wont be long as bodys getting way to thin to live off of and the will to die dont help once i've given up.

i dont get out past 3 yrs except to buy food or mail pkgs mostly, yes cpl yard sales with helper a few times to get out in fresh air and walk some.

i do still try to garden but hard.

as i said (name) been here 29 yrs and you know all thee struggles, nobody should have to go thru this… nobody not even a dog! they have more rights than i do seems.

now as for friends yrs back you decided you didn't want my emails cause i dont spell n write jibbrish… well least we had more contact… and thru past yrs how many times did you say you was gonna visit n never did.. then to outta the blue ream me out like you did threw me into a tizzy! Blood pressure was sky high when i went to drs, and hep levels off the chart.. again he tells me he could give me a few more years IF i'd start treatment.. NO i said I want outta here asap.

then searching end of life found Calif allows the Right to Die w/dignity that i can choose when time come IF i'm gonna be homeless or loose everything.

right now i dont have a clue as to whats next, all i know im searching my last days options, as there is no one who helps or cares so i do what any desporate person will do to merely survive what little time i do have left naturally or what i can do to get outta this stress n misery. 

right now all i see is being forclosed on or sue'd and thats the end for me cause my time here will be over n done with. still being here and trying to sell some treasures and garden while i can is all i have left. now if you wanna call that life.. so be it.

not like any good times have happened in yrs.

no of you even know what it is to be without family or anyone who can care or support.. so there no support system to even care to go onto.

can't you guys all understand that? my gosh…..

ok i need to take a pain pill n go back to bed, my helpers has dental n wont be here till afternoon later..

sucks having to rely on a stranger of sorts… days i could still drive but 4 yrs now no vehicle so thats out.

oh well give me some feedback but do NOT start to put me down and tell me how i always make such stupid decesions and crap… survival means doin what i see fit to help the cause, none has worked out to long, but perhaps served its purpose at the time.

ive come to the conclusion i was born to be alone n die alone, Lord must have something mighty speacial for me to have such life long battles, never have i come accross anyone who this went on ALL thru life, and i'm cariing, compasionate person and have always treated all around better than good.. and none ever stay long, too many problem and my mouth… so thats way i'm goin out..

no answers yet…give me imput, but now i dont even trust you after the panic call. sorry. you have no clue what that did to me (name).

and now how i'm suffering.

weigh'd this am 80#s and i dont care to even eat thinking it will hury it all up.

never meant for any to happen but was all outta my control.

as i said i can pay a cpl hundred but not taxes also.. 

crying now and i need to lay back down.

hope it all passes soon

Facts….

Fact is i started paying upon her request..

then she started on bout taxes having to be paid..

Fact is I can't pay both.

Fact, she can foreclose or force sale, n wont get near the money she can if she'd just let me pay out what short time i have left… but 2 yrs state will take for taxes. FACT

Fact at 83#s n no will now to even continue to struggle or live, my body wont substain me much longer, i'm at kids weight. This is NOT life of any sorts

Fact to have to lay in bed days upon end n to have this on my mind 24/7 is stressed me to max, can't deal with it.

shouldn't have to is more like it. should be allowed my last days/yrs in peace.

Fact is "I give up".. chips will fall where they will, can't afford 300 hr for an atty. so thats it.

FACT The end is so near, hopefully i will find PEACE then!
and …

FACT: Business is Business, life is life, i've been proven that BUSINESS is far more important than LIFE!

Thnx to ALL….

Thnx to ALL…

well to wake up after such battle and be given no choices, well what is left? been here 29 yrs, and now to the point i spend lots days in bed., heps bout to take tole, 3 yrs over estimated time of liver shut down, can smell it, n no body fat to live on so MUST face facts? ….
can't pay taxes and payments she demands. no future to even look forward to, and i sure don't wanna be in a "home"… i so choose to go before that even happens.

my sprit to fight is so crushed and the stress alone will do me in prob.
sad, home can't even be sold due to back taxes has to be paid. if was then i could do the life estate till i pass could live in home.

don't even have a clue now so i just give up, waiting to see atty and tell me how long this will all take.
best i can do in such small isolated desert community with such few resources and no transportation. Please understand

its all up the the Man UPSTAIRS now, i give up

RIGHT TO DIE --MORAL AND ETHICAL ASPECTS--

  Because VDD is a legal and honorable end-of-life option,
we do not need to keep secret our chosen pathway towards death. 
We should tell everyone who cares about us
that we are now proceeding with our plans for death by dehydration. 
There will be a variety of responses from the people who know us.
And we will consider reasonable requests to postpone our deaths.
But if we are making wise end-of-life plans,
most reasonable people will be supportive. 

http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-VDD-SG.html

Right to die with dignity act

searching Calif laws on this… maybe just whats needed

Voluntary death by dehydration is an option that can be used by anyone, anywhere.
Because it will take a week or ten days to die,
this method of choosing death is not likely to be used to commit irrational suicide.
But in those cases where there might be some question
about the wisdom of dying now rather than waiting for death at some later time,
some simple safeguards can help everyone to know
that this was a truly voluntary death and not an irrational suicide.
Another way to make this point:
Wise safeguards will prevent premature death.

end of Life, DOOMED

well figured  since i'm 3 yrs into "borrowed time" already (from liver shitting down from the hep c 32-35 yrs from contact to failure..i'm 38 n yes very ill at times)

that i was now able to start paying for home again and could finally rest in peace i feel i so deserve.

not gonna happen!

Can't pay taxes and the home so either way i'm DOOMED! the stress alone will prob do me in. after 29 yrs of battles and loosing it thru no fault of mine, 3 times and fighting with my all to stay.. and now to have the rug pulled out from under me once again and this time dont have any clue as to what to do. 

state wants taxes, lender wants out… i have NO protection, and alone and i'll don't help.

knew i was worse when state increased my help hrs from 20 to 44! and i've sign up with hospice when ihss can't care.. so all i know to do i've done.

now have to take the tax money being saved to pay an atty for advice. have to see if i can pospone being put out, hoping the stress or Hep will take me first? or ??? shakin head.

can't handle any more. has to be the end..

just wanted to pass in peace what short time i have left, didn't feel that was too much to ask… but guess found out it is.

i'm devistated once again, how much more i ask?

PLEASE FATHER, take me HOME.
YOU always made a WAY where there was NONE in the past, again? or HOME?

Hard time sleeping...

got up to take pills n bk to bed..
BUT it will take 2 yrs for them to take house for taxes so i might as well pay dar the 200 a month so she will let me rest in peace?.. but didn't like the way she came down on me and that scares me that she will put me in street… so thats whay what money i just saved for taxes or her has to go to an atty now to see whats best for me.
its survival time…

i'm bout to give up, wasn't spose to be this way…
and no support system to even discuss stuff so whats left, nothing as i see it, no car to get to legal services none up here..
too many problems along with personal aches n pains n depression n trying to sell what ever i can to make everyone happy! shakin head.

the stress is taking it's tole...

went to drs today and very high blood pressure.. told him im having some problems… dont need this esp now as running outta body mass to live on seems…

now i always tried to make sure she was covered, i paid over 30k+ interest with no problem and NEVER one day late… then all the cuts and losses i had no way as my disability wasn't enough, so i gave her the IOU and said file papers i'd sign… never happened… ask for time to regroup.

she left me alone few yrs as agreed, but refused to have email contact since i dont spell, so we lost touch in many ways..

then she ask me to start paying 200 a month.. well i had to buy firewood still, then pay to have to roof patched and told her this… ok then i do pay in march and she starts about taxes behind… well thought she might of paid to protect her.. and i said i can't pay her n taxes, i talked to them but have to pay 6 months + the penalities first then again n so forth so didn't know what to do.. go see gal at social services for advice…

and was told i need an atty for one… well shocked over the news and the taxes, this stress has had me down more than i care to be esp when i'm trying to liquidate all i can to catch everyone up, but not all has to blow up when she calls demanding and way she spoke to me was degrading.. she has always put me down but this time crossed the line when im doin best i can to even survive and knowing she will always get her money, but seems now is the time, when so stupid markets lowest ever been and it wont bring much.. and neds major work also..

so fig house wasnt important just her final money, reason id will'd to G that time, now thats over and i have to take the tax money i'm saving and pay for an attorney and how to set it up so im covered and she gets her money or whatever.. but sounds like she wants out now so i have to see what i can do.

all i know. been her 29 years, never thought it would end this way, she no better now than tahtcher she saved me from way i see it. i thought she was a friend, but not even caring its my last yrs seems, just bout the money… 

oh well way of the world.

well will find out hopefully next week.

shakin head.

an Irish Prayer…… Happy St Pats...

My Wish list

HOME SECURED once again!

Dog to vet (cost more here than does a human)

taxes currant …

~

… a better updated cell (mines 4-5+ yrs old) hate phones anyways but mandatory today

maybe newer digital camera 

not that important now, (too much other crap to capture instead the nature I love so.

my next stay laid up, i want to be more set up to enjoy least something…

PEACE to enjoy things again….

I tried so hard to make it alright...

to make sure she was covered, she was a real life saver when i needed it. for that I can never repay enough.....

ask her several times re-do papers, add more to cover cost and i'll sign, never happened... even owed 2400+ and gave her an IOU notarized w/witnesses to let me have a few years to breathe as State went broke and cut most all programs and our money.. zoo did only think i knew that could help us both.

she accepted and even help'd many times as needed.. 

time ran out end of 2012, jan she wanted me pay 1/2... 200, i agreed and said be a bit as i'm still having to buy firewood n dog needs vet... well both are expensive..

so feb i said i'll send asap.. march 4 i sent 100, and march 8 100, she accepted and far as i knew all was fine, dog still needs vet BUT she was satisfied and I felt GOOD i'm now able to pay least 1/2! I was so happy...

wrote all about a great break-thru and how it was so great i could FINALLY have my last days in peace long as i can make payments on back taxes and pay her some then i was on my way back up once again for the final bout...

well, lasted less than a week..

3/11/ call, demands.. rude, i was in shock n in disbelief what i was hearing.. how I was gonna sign the house over to her and she was gonna come and clear a room and bring someone to trash stuff and get a heater installed and on n on n get it fixed to sell cause shes loosing money...

well she got paid 400 a month for 9 yrs straight, all interest and NEVER ever one day late!! I',m SOO proud of that! then tuff times and stuff.. and here were went again so i gave her the 20k IOU, offfered to sign new papers and all .. whatever...

NOW LOOK i maybe homeless.... I'm a basket case right now.

i can't afford a RE Atty.. and none here small town, long ways away and ill and shakin head... timing is good tho as it all needs to be handled so i can have what little time i have left to go in peace, and garden and do photos and be the artisan i was born to be.

AMeN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I wouldn't trade experiences for a million bucks... but I wouldn't give you a nickel for anoither minute of it"

i MUST have a small taste of enjoyment right... dont i at least deserve that?

Why I went hard money loans... SURVIVAL!

more bits n pcs

divorced… he didn't pay as ordered and i lost… 

went to HUD got aproved and had 3 yr grace…

then couldn't finance, so they sold out to a bank in fla pennies on dollar… well they forclosed on me for 117k

thats when the crooked RE guy who helped us do original paper work got involved…

(saga/drama/soap)he bought out for 57k.. long story

so i pay HIM 400 per month and one day my house gets posted but long story between here 

he didn't pay a dime he borrowed or set me up

had to get an atty in town, and thats when crook #2/3/4/? steps in..

.. Thatcher (local crook) took it over

400 mo interest 3 yrs..

OK i chose that cause WHERE could i live or rent for 400?? and ive fought for this place since loss in divorce, because he didn't pay a dime the judge awarded me + the home so 400 was just great for me and tuff to make at same time..

then before it up since PRIME property he wanted bad to point of drooling…

well the Lord put Darleen back into my life and one visit and stories.. before she left she offered.. jumping ahead.. big problems that day at bank also.. cops had to be called. (drama/soap)

then 400 a month was still ok and for 7 straight yrs never a day late ( I TAKE PRIDE IN THAT) given my losses due to men n divorces.. and other crap

so i'm dying and who hell cares whats against it… gave me peace and thats all i care

mid 90's had to empty home due to court order and moving bk in i had heart attack, (STRESS) im fine! but got atty and got disibility for post traumatic stress n trauma as well as health… now thats all a mess… cuts, changes, nobody knows anything any more..

also mid to late 90s was a victim of a violent crime.. lost 6 months there and that was AFTER i was on SSI….

told ya i need to write a book... but can't spell and to hurried to get it down w/o loosing thoughts...

Here's the "jest" of it....

Here's the "jest" of it all

she had money in stock market, 02 went bad and she was loosing.. so came visited and after knowing my old hard money loan was bout up.. she said she would do it if i paid her the 400 a month.
so she set up papers and I signed, 7% on 60k

shes 1st trust deed lender
60k stay'd intact and i paid 400 month interest only,
9 yrs straight never one day late...

then ending '09 things went bad and programs was cut and credit dried up SO I gave her a notarized IOU for 20k and stated redo loan papers and add it so if i croaked she'd be covered... (i'm ill n ssi, borrowed time) time to regroup as i was i'll on top of all the cuts and losses. Calif went broke.  well she never did papers,  but left me alone for almost 3 yrs... then jan she wanted me to start paying on the loan... and would take 200

I said ok but buying firewood (have no heat) i couldn't yet, and dog needs a vet.

so feb i tell her ok and i will march
well i sent her 100 on 4th and 100 on 8th

she accepted...
then 1 week later 3-11 she calls and right outa blue starts demanding stuff like i have to sign home over to her and shes bringing someone up to clear n throw out as she demanded a room to stay in while works being done to sell it... now i ask bout me? she said if i have to i'll bring you home but im getting that house fixed up and will come up weekend..
I bout croaked right then n there.. SHOCK'd UNEXPECTED...

later i emailed saying no dont come, i need to seek legal help... and wrote a mutual friend to tell her not to come and yes id starting paying and this was such a shock!

now have someone looking into it and join to social services tomorrow for legal advice, but i am gonna need an atty
what a mess..