Plea to Hospice...

i'm up in high desert, and i'm very ill at times with Hep C mainly along with a ton of other problems I also suffer from.
few yrs back i'd contacted local Hospice reguarding this, well i wasn't bed-ridden full time and after physicals I was directed to IHSS here.
Well i've tried it past few years and its just not working out for what i need. Seems I can't be i'll only on scheduled days. dont work that way.

there has been no quality of life here changing for the better only for the worse, so now in a bind. stranded, left alone to decide what needs to be done.
i'm not gettin i'll a lot more as the attacks increase along with all the other problems. Have been reading about the VDD and would like more to talk to someone.
I'm all alone, no kids, no family, nobody else around, many have passed, few left and now i'm in a spot. Being so stranded I will starve to death at this point.

Ive been preparing for the end for years and everytime something came along, well not happening this time. I will NOT go into a home and be a burdon to anyone. I was raised by a grandma who had that strong survival pioneering spirit and there fore survival I know. now WHY? to continue to get worse, become so alone nobody will even know when i pass. Friend in Texas is bout all i have left, my life is all online past 6-10 yrs, thats it.

I have a lot of other stuff wrong and i refuse to become a vegitable or kept alive. i'm 67 and have been on my own since 14yrs old. so i have lived life to the fullest n then some.
I have become worthless in the last few years esp. lots down times more than before. They fig i'm bout 35-38 yrs into it and I've read the liver usually gives out in 30-32? anyways along with loosing all my hair, teeth, weight all while dealing with terriffic migraines and psorisas I feel this would be a good options for me. The world can have its space back, and i wont have to rely on the system caring for me. which i refuse.

I've had this feelin for years now and have documented it many times in past 7-10 at least and tried dif things, none to even work. I refused treatments as I', alone and feel that needs to be for someone who has a life, family n or loved ones. I'm only takin up space and making a lot miserable by my attitude.
I just want it to be over, Been in my home for 30 yrs this year and that also i've lost 3 times and fought to get back everytime and did. now i'm worn out, life has been to heard struggle upon struggle and i'm broken into so many pieces i've become worthless. I am/was an artisian and a martha stewart far as talents, but when lifes so hard i can't even be creative, time to hang it up. There is no fight left.

This is no spur of the moment thing, this decession has been comin a lot of years and i'm very logical lookin ahead.
my life has ben online and many know n see what i'm saying. Many say they've never met anyone with so many problems, so i've worn out my welcome and I feel like an alien who isn't spose to be here. found it takes a hell of a lot more courage to live as i have than to give in and OD. I feel i have the right to Die with Dignity! I tried linin it up few yrs ago as i said but this just isn't working.

I'm good food wise and pet wise for week or 2 but i sure dont wanna just starve n become a statistic. I'm also so tired of everyone takin advange of me n my present condition.
now far as drs, have a problem there also, they dont like me because i refuse treatments, n meds, yrs back i was on 12=15 meds and was almost a zombie, well i had a chance to go on a vacation of a lifetime in '06 and they had messed up my scripts so i got mad, weened off almost all and from that time foward i refuse to take any more than a migraine pill and a pain pill tho i have a lot wrong but want my head clear as i have to function for me esp now. my teeth infected, no coverage and dr wouldn't even give me antibiotics, because i wont talk all his other crap he pushes.

old country gal here and have survived life, no bucket list, I've lived life to the fullest and i'm sooooo ready to complete this trip asap.

I have posting online along with pics and different life stuff, this isn't workin anymore.

HELP me please. this is well thought out and i see no other way. There is no life, just a matter of time now.
would appreciate someone gettin back to me, I hate talkin on phone, I communicate thru emails mostly.

thnx, ask any questions, i can seen info?
Hope the end of this all happens soon for everyones sake….

I made my mark….

few years back i was in one of the attacks and was very ill as many may remember, well called hospice and was sent to IHSS, ok gave it a try and never worked out, found out today, i can't be ill n bedridden on a schedule. so beats me.

nothing new, no bucket list, lived a full life and dont wanna be in any home, that would devastate me alone.

it's not only dealing with the HepC its the crippling arthritis, have them all
and migraines n psorisas on top of it.
so just being able to shop n eat will never fix the problem. Will always have the good days along with the bad, as a guy i knew from old days, walked into bar till day he died of Hep C … no bloat either, so i don't believe the quacks I've seen.
Lived life way to full to go like that. I deserve peace.
I'm so broken in pieces, there is no healing this time, or bouncing back, I've lost a few "friends" along this path, can't deal with truths and real life, so only support systems been online for years!

Hospice has the "Right to die with Dignity act" and from all I've read this would be the best way for all concerned.

no life here just surviving, and don't wanna burdon any one. grannies pioneer spirit lives on, survival i know well… had the worst along with the best…. i'm done, been done for years but something came along and I tried many times, just not gonna work.

I do miss fresh food but oh well.

my road of survival just fell in a sinkhole….

My road of survival, just sprung a sinkhole….

well once again, my road of survival has encountered another sink hole. This time worse than ever before, and bout as deep as they come.

Set myself up once again, and got taken advantage of… difference is this time is the end! No one lined up to help. Totally stranded except to pull a stranger off the "system" and I can't handle even having to interview, as i have a bad time with strangers from a bad past problem, when i became a victim of a violent crime, all from a stranger at a yard sale i had. Now i can't even hold a yard sale, run any ads where someone has to come to my home. Just a mess. and now to be ill and loose all help, I worry bout life now.

Maybe my prayers are comin to pass but i didn't ask to suffer more or go out alone…
I have found can order some stuff online but no fresh food, and my tortoise needs lettuce n stuff.. dogs have plenty if i run out they eat my food, when we all run out gues thats it.
Thats not my concern right now, bothers me as to how is all this gonna go down? everythings so outta whack, never in a million years i'd thought anything ever like this would happen, but it has. I'm responsible! in this case i just wanted WORK/HELP for the hrs being paid for… never happened… so after 9 months and an attitude from the person, just had to confront her. didn't work she QUIT!

now all alone, ordering online and wondering whats next, not well and so much bed time lately …all  is weighing so heavy. Tried so many times to set everything up and always fell apart, so here I am. everythings a mess, not one part isn't messed up and i'm tired, worn out. no battle power left. now all the medi-cal changing and i havent a clue… totally stump'd…also discovered that the fact i don't wanna face is "I can't do it no more."…

thats why every things a mess.. i tried, bit I CAN'T and "can't " never could, my own words… a dose of reality

don't even know what to say anymore.

Human contact

no human contact, is like a plant choakin to death… 

needin nutriments to even try to grow

even wilted… 

needing water for the time. 

I'm now that plant

Went to town looking like this… BAD

gotta get this out n posted to my journal…of life

I shut down years back….

Couldn't deal with life and i went into seclusion, isolated myself away, for past 5 + yrs
It was great didn't have to deal with much and was ill on top of it.

then about 4 yrs ago truck took a dump so i went deeper inside, shut out all, once in awhile a friend would come by take me to mkt. Learn once again how to merely survive. Been a long hard road and now i'm so lookin fwd to goin HOME soon.

yesterday I went to mkt like this! was embarassed as i ran into an old friend i've been out with a few times and havent seen in years.
I sooooo needed to just talk to a live person …only a few mins and got misty eyed , but sure felt good.
i miss that, was always a people person .



now health wise its weird, days are strange and have no-one left…. so working on ancestry again
can't afford the monthly rate so do free. very limited
am learnin thing n its occupying my time cause my money tree on etsy dried up, but i did get to set myself uo so next spree when i can't function due to the hep i can have access to a select few or order what i need.

that was a blessing and some my jewels n treasures went all over the world and found good homes.
Sales so slow and i still have to pay cost to be there
so got depressed n decided id occupy my time with something so i couldn't think bout real life crap,
do my gardening/yard and pets and on net 24/7 but not for social, just connect with friends and as needed for whatever.
its my only contact with the world.

I learned how to order things on line and was better than paying someone to take me.
now i have a helper thru IHSS and get to go shop more, is such a blessing.
BUT i need a person who will allow me to unload n or chat , empty out stuff, or share my stuff……
proably drive a few away cause i just wanna share everything and boy can i type, (bad spelling n typos, but we can make it out).

I'm so ready to go HOME, after 3 times to set everything up and all the failures, so broken no good to anyone now days and taking up space just occupying my time, while living into total survival, and boy did life change.

to be continued

1s time in 30 years here...

today for 1st time since i lived here 30 years never had a wild bird come so close except a pet roadrunner i had 5-6 yrs
that would come in and even eat with my dog right there within a few feet, n would peck on window to let me know,,,

well this scrub jay all has come as close as 3 ft n even posed n got seeds, chatted at me like wanted to talk or tell me something
blew me away

i have to edit the 42 pics n post only 2-4
blew me away talk to him and he'd turn his head
n come coloser each time
and get this he was squeaking, n i went out then he  stoped soon after talkin to him,
i was so excited and takin pics