Trying to survive SUCKS!!!

ran ad in local online site "Bookoo"

food n supplies for items listed???

.. in need of Cigs, food, supplies.., ?? ...things from market, WalMart, ? dog treats/food... as needed

ANYONE? interested in trading for anything I have for sale??? This is only way I have to get supplies, food n needs now.

never a long list just few at time as needed...
being stranded, ill, n survival "mode" SUCKS...

best i can do, least i'm trying...

Cigs 15 bucks a ctn at Smoke shop OWS ... P Pads for dogs, (50) pk $10 WalGreens.. stuff like that
only damn thing delivered in this town, is pizza.....

this is what i've had to succumb too.... sad

so offer is open for now...

well no response so far, 81#s now...guess i'm doomed! SUCKS
this is what it's now come down to.... sad 

What would YOU do if no way to get food n needs???

... thoughts n this "system", and how it can kill ya....

remember way back yrs ago I said after we got all the cuts anyways, said i’m fallin apart and alls going bad and i had no coverage, esp the dental…

I kept doin the antib’s and fiqured it wasn’t workin due to hep n system, and i’d pop it n drain somewhat and go one… well other night when i sent you this pic, i tried to open it to drain and found it wasn’t much juice, mostly mass.. you know what i mean… the two good u see are caps,  so we know this… i removed all i could and washed with salt.

but i told ya its past fixing, so long no coverage and the BS over antib’s n drs chit...

ok now the eyes are goin, left side like gritty or ? blurry, and no damn eye coverage in all the years either, so again time was against me, can’t fix now..

so thats least 3 more things I can thank this medical/dental profession on, the whole “SYSTEM really"

hep C

ability  to see...

ability to eat right…

(….. life n cut backs …) n being stranded n in isolation

 ALL added to the already long list… well then started also thinking,

dad died of a very rare bone cancer, disintegrate  his bones, then only like 10 ppl ever had Dr said

 then his bros daughter, my cousin , got a rare virus and enlarged her heart/liver/lungs… n was most rare also…

 then thinking deeper, when in high school workin for that dentist found out i can’t take Vit C… weird, rare there also… brings on the migraines.. even the Energ C…

 and as for this all the rest, now i’m near end, and and yet still function cause i MUST in order to survive… shakin head..

 survive for what.. to survive some more… well least outta all the garbage here, some treasures are still being shared, and talants being used, on the good days at least, as I’m able.

 sure would like some answers before i can’t see/eat/walk/get up….

 it’s all winding down seems as planned, my hands tied, all things against me and i’m ready.

 ran local ads to trade/barter any items i have up for sale, for food n needs … whatever… been giving things away, slowly but i’m doin it, My stuffs all over the world now past 2+ years and my pics are world wide on flickr, even 100+ made Explore thru time..

and i still craft and share  and do all the web stuff n shop.. so i’d say i’m occupying and active till .. uh..?? Big guy decides or i decide to do the right to die w/dignity act…

all depends what else happens i guess...

 i’m not sad tonight, i fixed me dinner and took some pics and did various things and made some mufins, and yet i can’t get up over the 82 again

i still thin by lookin at my bag of bones, my body can not live on its self much longer..

least the arthritis isn’t bad right … migrains calm’d also

 no way to shop for needs n food n dogs so gotta do what i can.. death wish or not, dont wanna suffer… NO MORE .. I pray nightly that I wont wake up.. n get up n function best i can depending on levels of stress and whats happening.. hard to say here.

i have that old soul/pioneer spirit so i fig my death won't be normal either.. weird genes/dna warrior bodies, strong constitutions, survivalist to max and german/french/irish to boot.. that alone tells the story. I just know i'm bout done here, it's close to closing time... the light have none gone dimmer...

the "system" will kill you..

con’t.. till next brain outburst...

things like getting kick'd out of home church

stories need to be unloaded, like being kick'd out physically carried out of my home church, where I was also married in as well as a co-signer on loan to help get started, Hubby was usher...
long story outta standing room only crowd, when a visiting preacher came to preach, being converted from the New Age movement... well end of service, was called up for prayer, standing in front of short guy with his hands on my head praying and saying release it sister, the Lord says you have things to say, ... well my eyes closed, my hands in air, praying as usual and all hell broke loose.. all sunned outta my mouth words came saying The Lord says YOU need to be delivered out of drugs and witchcraft, and other things, he's shouting SHUT UP!, GET HER OUTTA HER.. ushers carry me out down isle thru crowd and dump me on sidewalk out front... and small man came out and said "Boy the devil was working today" ask if he could help me get home or anything... not this is a Spirit filled (holy roller church where we pRAYED and cast out demons and such.. so why dump me on sidewalk??? Why not take me down n pray it out??? within 6 months the church split..
long time people would avoid me in town or markets..

Now I ask you, if that wasn't the Lords doings.. fell me dif, but it sure messed up my life.. WHY ME
oh my lives full of these crazy occurrences since childhood.. wish i could share, as the've made me crazy 

when there's no dental...

What happens when one has no dental coverage, Calif drop'd maybe 5 yrs ago when they cut so many programs... this is outcome for many, along with other problems, like eyes and stuff. Dr won't give me antibiotics, said go to dentist. Dentist won't give me antibiotics less i pay for teeth cleaning, all they cover is to pull. SUCKS. now this, oh well, just another things i suffer from due to lack of proper care since State cut most all programs.

Worked all my life, collected stuff to preserve history for my retirement, little did i know i'd run outta time and my health would go to hell so bad. then to be cut off from everything almost, hard to deal with.

Enlarge to read

Life is like a 'Bed of Roses'...

“Life is like a bed of roses…

but watch out for the pricks.”

ABANDONED once again...

no one can deal with all this.

got this am, but has been almost 6 days no contact. went to last eat last thursday

"I should have gotten back to  you sooner, but didn't know what to say.

The truth is this - You wore me out emotionally.  I am exhausted. It seems that I can't help you.

Thursday we went to JT Saloon and had a nice breakfast.  You wanted answers/options.  I tried to give you answers.
Go to a doctor and dentist.  Get back on IHSS or get Meals on Wheels.  You said NO to every suggestion.  (I think you are a LITTLE stubborn.)  lol
Then when I wake up on Friday, I find a long message from you that you have no options.  It was a very emotional letter.

I know you have many problems.  Health, financial, leaky roof, etc. etc.    BUT, I can't help you with those problems.   I thought the best I could do for you was just be your friend and listen to you.

I still want to be your friend.  I still care about you.  BUT, you have to help yourself too.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning and errands to do.  You can still reach me at...."

• -----------------------------------------------------------I did try IHSS 2+ yrs and so many problems with help taking advantage of me, and then how it operates alone, great for a bed ridden person, not one that is able to do now n then..
• Then, meals on wheels is a joke here, idid try yrs back n they cut so much on programs now and i learned to stock up, raid freezer and call in food orders...
• Drs a joke on the system, won't even give me antibiotics when my gums infected says go to dentist and we have no coverage past 5+ yrs due to cutbacks..
• its a mess,
• 
  
• i do well considering, but thats problem they don't know what I've been thru.. they get upset n say i'm stubborn...
• oh well, now just that much more stress to deal with... least will put me closer to getting outta here faster.
• i can wish!

thats the problem, I have none that can just "listen" so seems, if i don't do what they feel i should do, its over. they can’t deal with just listening….

or '92 quake...

and the quake here in '92. slept outside for 3 months, and stayed with a friend 3 months till could handle staying in my home, thought the world was ending... pegged an 8 in denver that am, and kept getting lowered, lots damage....

another, a victim of a violent crime...

another one is time was stalked for months and then followed home and no sooner got in door and guy broke in and held me captive for 12 hrs beating me almost to death, kicking me with pointed cowboy boots, only thing saved me from being raped was a barfing migraine, but had pick'd up a piece firewood and was gonna beat me head in... another long story but lost 6 months of my life over it.

another unreal story...

the heat's been turn up to HIGH...

I'm well aware the mind is the devils battlefield...
that's why i multi-task so much and stay busy with so many things, and pics, crafts, etsy, pinterest, flickr, twitter, along with play pogo and sell local on a yard sale site, but lots time i'm ill in bed and don't function well, then more things happen, like loss of another dear friend, and another driving drunk in a bad accident, killing the cyclist, then someone tells me towels won't fit in a rack i sold, and another says brass holder smells like smoke, told her to air it out?, then my new friend has abandoned me as got offended last week when we didn't have enough time to do market for food, and i wasn't well, she had to be someplace and i think got offended cause i didn't wanna impose n rush or tie her up, now more crap.. beats me SOMETHINGS going down...
makes it very hard to function, i'm to point giving away sellable items just to get strangers bring me supplies, should NOT BE!...
shaken head..

when there's no hope left...

I firmly support the Right to Die with Dignity Act.

esp when there is no way life will be improved due to health and other things. so WHY make us all suffer so gravely, and be hardships on others?Just not fair.

as for i have no one who even cares how I go but I do and I sure don't wanna suffer, had enough that all my life, and after these last 5+ years alone, and so much bed time and isolation, I'm ready.

Hospice won't help as I'm not fully bedridden yet, or last 6 months diagnosed. SUCKS that i'm all on my own thats even a lotta stress there as I have been a people person all my life.

Have MERCY on us all.

it's not just me....

....well its not just me, when Ca went broke a few years back they cut us off a lot programs that old n disabled was on, a couple being the postponement of property taxes, till sale of home, so I don't make enough to pay them n state takes home in 5 yrs, i have 2 left, then lost all dental which i'm in bad need of along with vision, as need glasses so bad hard to read w/o. so its just as bad for a lot of us not me alone. svn if taxes was paid, i'm still ill and know the hep is takin it's toll on me along with the stress don't help.
Would hep to have a vehicle, mine wore out it was an 88 nissian pathfinder and engine went so I sold for junk. col yrs ago. had a new friend who took me shopping but i hate to impose on her and I think she got offended as she was trying to help. so we see. I'm fine usually, I occupy with nature and coin my pics when I can, sell treasures on etsy to find good home so won't be dumped, and bad times as bottom fell out of market as we all know. so I really don't know.

need an intervention from the ALMIGHTY is all i see less i pass sooner. all my dearest friend have passed, so makes it hard. this is a very small town in desert and not a lot of resources. Loved it all the 34 years I've lived here to get away from city life and crowds, now its become a problem not having a vehicle when I can get out n get food for myself... all i know.
won't happen on 877 a month, and sales sucks on etsy. so pray for MERCY is all i know.
less a millionaire steps in and made it alright, but house on verge of being condemned.
Kind of you to at least let me get some out.
BLESS any who will. guess i need people now more than i ever figured. but i'm still here just not full speed and some days better than others.

Come QUICKLY LORD or BEAM me UP Scotty!

somedays i just need to talk, well pour out all this crap so i can feel better, only way this story will ever get told, wish i could record secession all way from my unwanted birth, being left for grandma, who'd raised her kids and had her own problems pioneer farm life..., so leaving home at such young age of 14 i've been to hell n back so many times I wore a path, with a "WELCOME" sign...

all thru life i never fit in, Never knew what it was to have a dad or a mom, or any one to watch out for me but ME…

has been quite the journey. always felt it needed to be told BUT i’m no writer, hell i don’t even spell well, i’m such old soul n old generation, new tech boggles me tho i have done pretty well more than any of my friends ive known..

would have to be able to TALK n record sessions from then till now so i could die in peace, as no ones been in my life long enough to ever know really know me inside, 

Never had a real family, never found my siblings thru all the years, no kids, … and i'm no writer, heck i can't even spell, but need someone to pull stuff out .

frustrating to have this grief as well as all the amazing unreal pleasures i HAVE experienced and to be able to go out in a BLAZE OF GLORY!

but so far its so depressing to the point i have no support circle, my lips hardly ever move less i talk to dogs, problem is been here in this home 30 years spring and lost it 3 times, still here, i'm a fighter, or was... now its falling down lack of neglect, just like my life, and things wearing out, roof leaks, all kinds problems but I only need it to hang in for a yr or so hopefully quicker

no trans, have to rely on someone to take me to shop for food and needs only, and its getting damn old. I rarely ever get to enjoy anything out there as can't afford to pay time for such, and can't impose on a new friend all time, shaken head.

nobody can't handle the truth and even deal with a part of the crap, drives them away, and deal with the hep c end stages sure messes things up, lots down time, but i know at 81# bag of bones, it wont be much longer, all the rest… i mean everything that cripples a person i have, along with few teeth, bad eyes, etc

no life, no services, no way to function without the help of others, so tell me PLEASE, i’m a burdon, can’t be that way, I refuse… besides there no one to care, glad bout that here at end cause then they dont have to suffer.   it should be my RIGHT to die with dignity if i so choose

screw this system, I hate the doctors, the meds, the scams, every aspect in this world now revolves around GREED, all for the love of money

nope hurts my heart. The worlds in bad times and everyones paying..

I just want out ASAP

Come QUICKLY LORD or BEAM me UP Scotty!

time to go HOME...

I've always overcome, knew i was a survivor as early as childhood, so nothing new, thats why i know it the worst its even been, not just me but for many now suffering so deeply from losses. I've also been so BLESSED at times, and lived life to its fullest, comes a time when the heart is broken into so many pieces, i joined the crowd of the "Walking wounded" . No bucket list, done most all i wanted, just wanna go HOME. I do not wanna die of a broken heart. I do not wanna suffer no more... 

a MIRACLE coming...

i must have one hell of a MIRACLE coming... I do realize the devils thumped on me all my life n turned up the heat past 25 years, down to last 5 of almost total isolation, death and ruins losses, all around me and i'm still here trying, ... waiting and "Occupying" till HE COMES. and it feels so soon ...
I still try to do my pics and find homes for my treasures... and pray nightly for HIS MERCY..

I'm there...

I'm there..., a photo by dagutzyone  on Flickr.

well wish someone would tell me then, as i see none on my end, hands tied with limited income and no wheels…

guess all u think i just stop being what you all call stubborn and rent a place n move RIGHT? Well pray tell me on 877 a month HOW do i do that, even a board n care wont take me with that low of income…

I wil not be forced to dump stuff n go live in someone elses home and still have to depend on them, to survive..

told you i don’t wanna live, or survive to go thru such major loses ever again, bad nuff loosin my life..

ive tried a lot past years to pull out and you all see theres no way its gonna happen..

what so set here let em take home force me out, then me n dogs on street… thats what you all seem to think… or did you even give that a thought.

you both say i have options, yet never talk/discuss… so ?

im exausted thru the years just fighting the system to still have some income n very few meds n services now…
so please get together n fig it all out as i’m done.

just makin you all both misserable thinking bout how stubborn i am i guess, cause im sure not tight on giving lately.

dont have anymore answers.. way i see what you all think is this give in, let go home, live in street n suffer sick till i die..

I care for you all dearly and am very appreciative of all any has done to help…. i have no support circle that even understands and thats where problem lies, i live in isolation not by choice at first but had to adapt to that to just survive.


its just time to let go, give up, fighting a loosen battle, waiting energy daily.

Survival...

well wish someone would tell me then, as i see none on my end, hands tied with limited income and no wheels…

guess all u think i just stop being what you all call stubborn and rent a place n move RIGHT? Well pray tell me on 877 a month HOW do i do that, even a board n care wont take me with that low of income…

I wil not be forced to dump stuff n go live in someone elses home and still have to depend on them, to survive..

told you i don’t wanna live, or survive to go thru such major loses ever again, bad nuff loosin my life..

ive tried a lot past years to pull out and you all see theres no way its gonna happen..

what so set here let em take home force me out, then me n dogs on street… thats what you all seem to think… or did you even give that a thought.

you both say i have options, yet never talk/discuss… so ?

im exausted thru the years just fighting the system to still have some income n very few meds n services now…
so please get together n fig it all out as i’m done.

just makin you all both misserable thinking bout how stubborn i am i guess, cause im sure not tight on giving lately.

dont have anymore answers.. way i see what you all think is this give in, let go home, live in street n suffer sick till i die..

I care for you all dearly and am very appreciative of all any has done  to help…. i have no support circle that even understands and thats where problem lies, i live in isolation not by choice at first but had to adapt to that to just survive.

its just time to let go, give up, fighting a loosen battle, waiting energy daily.

Die of a Broken Heart - by Carolyn Dawn Johnson