Emergency and bad news...

well thurs I went to mini emergency, a clinic for easier stuff, had such pains for the last week so fig it was my liver n something to do with the hep well went to real Emergency today and they did CT scan n dif test and by eve found out theres a mass on my liver and i need surgery asap. below to Loma Linda, well I'm alone, no one to care for pets and plants n watch house and besides I knew it was com in and have been preparing for such, wasn't quite ready but oh well gotta deal with it now. have no choice.

Now I guess get back ahold of Hospics and see about that Right to Die w/Dignity act, if not I'm on my own.

kinda sucks, but I've wanted to go "HOME" past few years. I wasn't bedridden 2 yrs ago as much as i am now so we see what all has to say. all I know to do.

I just PRAY its quick n not long drawn out pain.

I've been in such pain last 6 days and bloated like I'm carrying a basket ball. and already can't eat or drink more than a mouthful at a time n it just sets high. hot soak n pain pills n bed is all that is kinda helping me now.

Well it's what i tried to tell them n they wouldn't listen, I felt past few months that something was goin on. .. see what happens next PRAY Hospice will help.

***So TRUE, a tortured soul...

"How right that the body changed over time, becoming a gallery of scars, a canvas of experience, a testament to life and one's capacity to endure it."

so true...

Trying to survive SUCKS!!!

ran ad in local online site "Bookoo"

food n supplies for items listed???

.. in need of Cigs, food, supplies.., ?? ...things from market, WalMart, ? dog treats/food... as needed

ANYONE? interested in trading for anything I have for sale??? This is only way I have to get supplies, food n needs now.

never a long list just few at time as needed...
being stranded, ill, n survival "mode" SUCKS...

best i can do, least i'm trying...

Cigs 15 bucks a ctn at Smoke shop OWS ... P Pads for dogs, (50) pk $10 WalGreens.. stuff like that
only damn thing delivered in this town, is pizza.....

this is what i've had to succumb too.... sad

so offer is open for now...

well no response so far, 81#s now...guess i'm doomed! SUCKS
this is what it's now come down to.... sad 

What would YOU do if no way to get food n needs???

... thoughts n this "system", and how it can kill ya....

remember way back yrs ago I said after we got all the cuts anyways, said i’m fallin apart and alls going bad and i had no coverage, esp the dental…

I kept doin the antib’s and fiqured it wasn’t workin due to hep n system, and i’d pop it n drain somewhat and go one… well other night when i sent you this pic, i tried to open it to drain and found it wasn’t much juice, mostly mass.. you know what i mean… the two good u see are caps,  so we know this… i removed all i could and washed with salt.

but i told ya its past fixing, so long no coverage and the BS over antib’s n drs chit...

ok now the eyes are goin, left side like gritty or ? blurry, and no damn eye coverage in all the years either, so again time was against me, can’t fix now..

so thats least 3 more things I can thank this medical/dental profession on, the whole “SYSTEM really"

hep C

ability  to see...

ability to eat right…

(….. life n cut backs …) n being stranded n in isolation

 ALL added to the already long list… well then started also thinking,

dad died of a very rare bone cancer, disintegrate  his bones, then only like 10 ppl ever had Dr said

 then his bros daughter, my cousin , got a rare virus and enlarged her heart/liver/lungs… n was most rare also…

 then thinking deeper, when in high school workin for that dentist found out i can’t take Vit C… weird, rare there also… brings on the migraines.. even the Energ C…

 and as for this all the rest, now i’m near end, and and yet still function cause i MUST in order to survive… shakin head..

 survive for what.. to survive some more… well least outta all the garbage here, some treasures are still being shared, and talants being used, on the good days at least, as I’m able.

 sure would like some answers before i can’t see/eat/walk/get up….

 it’s all winding down seems as planned, my hands tied, all things against me and i’m ready.

 ran local ads to trade/barter any items i have up for sale, for food n needs … whatever… been giving things away, slowly but i’m doin it, My stuffs all over the world now past 2+ years and my pics are world wide on flickr, even 100+ made Explore thru time..

and i still craft and share  and do all the web stuff n shop.. so i’d say i’m occupying and active till .. uh..?? Big guy decides or i decide to do the right to die w/dignity act…

all depends what else happens i guess...

 i’m not sad tonight, i fixed me dinner and took some pics and did various things and made some mufins, and yet i can’t get up over the 82 again

i still thin by lookin at my bag of bones, my body can not live on its self much longer..

least the arthritis isn’t bad right … migrains calm’d also

 no way to shop for needs n food n dogs so gotta do what i can.. death wish or not, dont wanna suffer… NO MORE .. I pray nightly that I wont wake up.. n get up n function best i can depending on levels of stress and whats happening.. hard to say here.

i have that old soul/pioneer spirit so i fig my death won't be normal either.. weird genes/dna warrior bodies, strong constitutions, survivalist to max and german/french/irish to boot.. that alone tells the story. I just know i'm bout done here, it's close to closing time... the light have none gone dimmer...

the "system" will kill you..

con’t.. till next brain outburst...

things like getting kick'd out of home church

stories need to be unloaded, like being kick'd out physically carried out of my home church, where I was also married in as well as a co-signer on loan to help get started, Hubby was usher...
long story outta standing room only crowd, when a visiting preacher came to preach, being converted from the New Age movement... well end of service, was called up for prayer, standing in front of short guy with his hands on my head praying and saying release it sister, the Lord says you have things to say, ... well my eyes closed, my hands in air, praying as usual and all hell broke loose.. all sunned outta my mouth words came saying The Lord says YOU need to be delivered out of drugs and witchcraft, and other things, he's shouting SHUT UP!, GET HER OUTTA HER.. ushers carry me out down isle thru crowd and dump me on sidewalk out front... and small man came out and said "Boy the devil was working today" ask if he could help me get home or anything... not this is a Spirit filled (holy roller church where we pRAYED and cast out demons and such.. so why dump me on sidewalk??? Why not take me down n pray it out??? within 6 months the church split..
long time people would avoid me in town or markets..

Now I ask you, if that wasn't the Lords doings.. fell me dif, but it sure messed up my life.. WHY ME
oh my lives full of these crazy occurrences since childhood.. wish i could share, as the've made me crazy 

when there's no dental...

What happens when one has no dental coverage, Calif drop'd maybe 5 yrs ago when they cut so many programs... this is outcome for many, along with other problems, like eyes and stuff. Dr won't give me antibiotics, said go to dentist. Dentist won't give me antibiotics less i pay for teeth cleaning, all they cover is to pull. SUCKS. now this, oh well, just another things i suffer from due to lack of proper care since State cut most all programs.

Worked all my life, collected stuff to preserve history for my retirement, little did i know i'd run outta time and my health would go to hell so bad. then to be cut off from everything almost, hard to deal with.

Enlarge to read

Life is like a 'Bed of Roses'...

“Life is like a bed of roses…

but watch out for the pricks.”

ABANDONED once again...

no one can deal with all this.

got this am, but has been almost 6 days no contact. went to last eat last thursday

"I should have gotten back to  you sooner, but didn't know what to say.

The truth is this - You wore me out emotionally.  I am exhausted. It seems that I can't help you.

Thursday we went to JT Saloon and had a nice breakfast.  You wanted answers/options.  I tried to give you answers.
Go to a doctor and dentist.  Get back on IHSS or get Meals on Wheels.  You said NO to every suggestion.  (I think you are a LITTLE stubborn.)  lol
Then when I wake up on Friday, I find a long message from you that you have no options.  It was a very emotional letter.

I know you have many problems.  Health, financial, leaky roof, etc. etc.    BUT, I can't help you with those problems.   I thought the best I could do for you was just be your friend and listen to you.

I still want to be your friend.  I still care about you.  BUT, you have to help yourself too.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning and errands to do.  You can still reach me at...."

• -----------------------------------------------------------I did try IHSS 2+ yrs and so many problems with help taking advantage of me, and then how it operates alone, great for a bed ridden person, not one that is able to do now n then..
• Then, meals on wheels is a joke here, idid try yrs back n they cut so much on programs now and i learned to stock up, raid freezer and call in food orders...
• Drs a joke on the system, won't even give me antibiotics when my gums infected says go to dentist and we have no coverage past 5+ yrs due to cutbacks..
• its a mess,
• 
  
• i do well considering, but thats problem they don't know what I've been thru.. they get upset n say i'm stubborn...
• oh well, now just that much more stress to deal with... least will put me closer to getting outta here faster.
• i can wish!

thats the problem, I have none that can just "listen" so seems, if i don't do what they feel i should do, its over. they can’t deal with just listening….

or '92 quake...

and the quake here in '92. slept outside for 3 months, and stayed with a friend 3 months till could handle staying in my home, thought the world was ending... pegged an 8 in denver that am, and kept getting lowered, lots damage....

another, a victim of a violent crime...

another one is time was stalked for months and then followed home and no sooner got in door and guy broke in and held me captive for 12 hrs beating me almost to death, kicking me with pointed cowboy boots, only thing saved me from being raped was a barfing migraine, but had pick'd up a piece firewood and was gonna beat me head in... another long story but lost 6 months of my life over it.

another unreal story...